"When you see a rainbow, the storm is still lingering."

**This is part of a series of posts I wrote when pregnant, but before we announced publicly.**

The glorious honeymoon period of getting a BFP has warn off, and I feel like I spend every minute of the day silently panicking that something might go wrong again.

In the beginning, the best indicator that things are progressing well is something we in the infertility world call a "beta". A beta is a blood test to check hormone levels, mainly of human chorionic gonadotropid, or hCG (because honestly, that's the last time I want to type that full name out).  HCG is produced during pregnancy, and it's actually what those at home sticks are detecting when they return a positive.  In early stages, it's key that levels of hCG double somewhere between 30 and 70 hours.  Here's what I have so far:

7/24/15 = I have no idea, I was too excited to listen.  On this day, it doesn't really matter what the number is, just that it's there.

7/27/15 = 321  (awesome number!  last time at this point I was at 93, but again, it's the doubling that is key)

7/29/15 = 644

That's almost exactly 48 hours to double.  The nurse has so far called my numbers "beautiful" and "excellent".

But they said good things last time too.

*sigh* and there it is.  There's that voice.  That same voice asks where my pregnancy symptoms are, points out that I feel exactly the same as I did last time, and cautions me not to get too excited.  Worst of all, it asks me how will I survive if something does go wrong again.

I don't have a good answer for that one.

I reached out to the ladies on thencomesfamily.com, in a specific chatroom for people who are expecting after having suffered a loss.  So many people knew exactly what I meant, and agreed that that little voice is a dirty rotten bastard.

Later, someone posted this:

Faith Instead of Fear

And it so very well described what it feels like.  Getting pregnant again has brought moments of such joy and hope.  It's also brought with it bittersweet memories of last time, and such intense feelings of fear that it's all I can do just to remind myself to breath sometimes.

And so I wait, in both light and in rain, straining my eyes in the hopes of seeing a rainbow.   

Try #2

**This is part of a series of posts I wrote when pregnant, but before we announced publicly.**


Remember that post where I said this cycle was already over before it began?  I lied to you.

I recall laying in bed one night, crying because the cycle was going to be a bust.  My husband was all, "You don't know that yet!".  I will probably never live that one down, because the cycle turned out to be just fine.  Beautiful in fact.  Nice mature follicle, on time release of the egg, and a lining thicker than I've ever had.  When I went in for the Lupron shot my nurse even told me she had a good feeling about this cycle.

July 25th is when my blood test was scheduled.  July 21st is the night I had 3 separate dreams that I was pregnant, and the morning of June 22nd is when I took my first at home test and it was....negative.  The awful thing is that the sleepy haze I was still in led me to read it wrong, so for a good 10 seconds I thought it was positive.  When I realized my error, it was a bit soul crushing.

July 24th is when I took the next at home test.

I swore I could see a faint blue line - but it was a cheap test and at this point, I had to wonder if I just wanted to see a line so bad that I was convincing myself it was there, when it wasn't.  The line was pretty faint.  But in the back of my head, I heard the commonly used saying on the message boards - a line is a line.

I decided new, expensive tests from the drug store were needed.  NOW. My husband was at work, so I threw my clothes on, put on some shoes, and rushed down to the garage.  I opened the door only to realize....my car was still in the shop.

I considered walking there.  I have no idea how far it is - it didn't matter - I was going to get that damn test.  But then I had a brilliant idea - I happen to have a neighbor that is also one of the most loyal, thoughtful, wonderful people you will ever meet.  So I woke her up at 7 am with a phone call begging her to take me to the store.  And because she is such an awesome friend, she calmly said, "I am going to brush my teeth.  Then I am going to brush my hair.  And then.....I am going to come get you!!"

While I waited, I drank all the water I possibly could, knowing that may result in a negative if my hormone levels were really low.

When we got to the store, I ran in, threw down 50 bucks for 4 fancy tests (why I thought I needed 4, I have no idea), and then spent the couple minutes in the car ride home opening the tests to get them ready.  I swore to my neighbor I wasn't going to actually pee in her car.  When we got home, I ran inside, my friend right behind me.  "Don't think I'm not coming inside with you!" she had said.

The test required 5 seconds of urine.  I managed about 1.  And then I set a timer for 3 minutes.

And that test, in all it's $12 dollar glory, popped up with a totally irrefutable YES.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I spent the next 4 hours wondering how I would tell my husband.  I didn't get to do that the first time, and here I was with time to plan.  I thought of a lot of cute ways, but ultimately, wound up just standing right on the other side of the door, with a positive test in hand, and a big smile on my face for when he walked in.  Sometimes simple is good.

When he walked in, I got a shocked, "oh my god".  After about 3 seconds of him staring at the test, it sunk in, and I got a big smile, eyes that he'll claim were just being attacked by allergies, and a, "That's awesome" before a big, long hug.

Awesome indeed.

We decided to go for the blood test right then (half of my husband didn't believe it still), and the nurse called back asking if I had cheated (by taking the at home test) and an "I TOLD you I had a good feeling!".

My husband has expressed some fear of this going wrong again, and my parents were cautious in their reaction to the news (which really kind of sucks), but I'm firm in my resolution that we are going to be excited.  I am pregnant now, and no matter what happens, I will enjoy the shit out of this time.  Infertility and loss have taken so much, I won't let them have this one.  I'm convinced Baby G is sticking around this time.

And so, July 24th is when we learned I was pregnant.

An amazing cause

http://www.throughtheheart.org/

This nonprofit organization was started by a couple after losing their daughter at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.  In their grief, they felt alone, and rather than just leaving it at that, they decided to help others.

I am so in awe of what they have done.  You can read more about their story and the cause on the link above.  You can also donate there, or you can purchase actual items for the care packages they deliver to those suffering from a pregnancy loss here:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/2UCHHZUPUY3TG?ref_=topnav_lists_1&pldnSite=1

And finally, if all you can do is spare 30 seconds, please help them to win:

wtop.com/contests/click-for-a-cause-voting/?char=t

Scroll down until you see Through the Heart, and simply click "Like".  It's as easy as that folks!

As someone who has been through a loss can tell you - simple things like socks and candy may seem silly,but knowing there are people out there who understand what you're going through, and cared enough to send you something means more than we can express.

Today was my due date

I don't really have a whole lot to say about this.  I quietly acknowledged my lost one to myself earlier this morning, and I thought I would do so on here.

She would have been so incredibly loved.

The Little Blog that Could

In case you missed it, a couple months ago I wrote a post based on the the theme of this year's National Infertility Awareness Week:

You Are Not Alone

Today I received a call from RESOLVE, The National Infertility Association.  I have written about this amazing organization before, but in case you missed that too, check it out:

RESOLVE

Of course I missed the call because I'm completely unreliable when answering my phone, so when I listened to the voicemail, I thought it must be some kind of joke.  But I listened two more times, and then I read the email that was also sent, and sure enough - my simple little blog has been nominated for the 2015 Hope Award for Best Blog.

I keep asking my husband what it's like to be married to an award nominated blog writer.  He's starting to look more annoyed than impressed.

In all seriousness, I can't put into words how honored I feel.

Of course I am proud from a very selfish standpoint (don't we all still have the 6 year old in us that wants the gold star?), but my view of this is a bit broader.

Let's face it - there's nothing fancy about my blog.  No frills, no bells.  I don't have thousands of followers, or even hundreds.  Quite frankly, I'm lucky if I get more than a dozen readers of any given post, and about 11 of those readers are my closest friends.   I have spent exactly $0 on this blog, and I honestly really have no idea what I am doing (please don't tell RESOLVE that).

But what I do know (all too well) is the heartache of infertility and loss.  And what I've invested here is every bit of myself - my sadness, my frustration, and if you look closely enough, my hope and my strength.

I started this blog during a particularly dark time, and by getting my thoughts out of my head and into cyberspace, it has brought me some measure of peace.  But since then, I have striven for more.  I've tried to be a voice for issues that often receive only a hushed whisper.  I have tried to be this voice both on my blog and in my life.

To me, that's the key: to lend another voice.  I may not be the loudest, or the fanciest.  I may only be reaching a number of people I can count on my fingers and toes, but it's a voice nonetheless.  And if all I ever do is offer some form of comfort or understanding to that one person who isn't just reading because they know me, then I have accomplished something.

Today, RESOLVE affirmed that every voice counts in bringing awareness to infertility and loss , no matter how small.


With that, I present to you:

Shazam!  My blog actually just got a little fancy.

Also, please please (please) vote for me here:

Shamelessly Asking for Votes

Let's talk about pregnancy loss

I want to share this article, because it so loudly speaks to my experience that I feel like I could have written it myself:

Sharing About Pregnancy Lost

We too tried for 14 months, and we too shrugged off the people who cautioned us not to tell anyone too early.  But we had waited so long, we couldn't help but shout it from the rooftops.

When we got the news that there was no heartbeat, there were so many emails, texts, and phone calls to be made.  It was not easy.

But in the long run, I am glad that we did.  I'd like to think we gave a voice to something that many other people may not be willing to share.  I knew my mother and my best friend had suffered a loss, but by sharing our happy (and then sad) news with so many, I heard from several others.  A neighbor, a friend's sister, my sister in law's friend - the list goes on and on.  All women who had been through the same.  Despite several of these people being complete strangers, they reached out to me with arms wide open, and shared their experiences with me.  It was also encouraging to hear that all of them who continued to try went on to have healthy babies (including me - I was my mom's first successful pregnancy after a devastating 5 month loss).

Recently, a neighbor and friend had reached out to me because a friend of hers that I had met a few times had just suffered a loss.  I felt an enormous amount of responsibility (and desire) to reach out to her and try to provide to her what so many others did for me.  I remembered how painful those first few days and weeks were, and my heart went out to her.  I told her I was sorry she now knows that pain, and I couldn't have meant it any harder.

As you may have seen, Mark and Priscilla Zuckerberg have recently announced they are expecting, along with an announcement of 3 lost before.  Pink has also alluded to her struggles with infertility and loss, and she even wrote a song about it.  If you have never heard it, give it a listen here:

Beam Me Up

I hope we continue towards a culture of being more open about this issue, as it impacts so many men and women.  I also hope to lend another voice to it one day, much in the same way the Zuckerberg's have (albeit with a little less fame).

$1500 to not have a baby

I got a big fat bill from the hospital yesterday for my D&C.  My D&C that was on January 15th.  Six months ago.  $700 for the privilege to be reminded of the shittiest shit that ever happened to me.

I spent an obscene amount of time today figuring out why I was being billed again, since I have already paid about $500 for this same procedure, which covered 2 separate bills sent over the course of the past 6 months.  Turns out, they were separate bills for anesthesiology, hospital, and doctor.  And to make it all that much more complicated, neither me nor 3 people I spoke to could figure out why the doctor charge wasn't on file.  It wasn't until later that I realized one bill came from Cooper Institute (the RE I go to, and where the doctor who did my surgery is based) and one came from Cooper Hospital (where I had the surgery).  Total coincidence on the names.  I also had a completely separate bill for $300 for the additional surgery to remove the leftover tissue and fibroid.

I verified that they were billing me exactly to my yearly out of pocket maximum, so it's right, and I wound up paying it of course.  It just really left me with a bad taste in my mouth, for a few reasons.  Mainly, because I realized that I have now paid $1500 to NOT have a baby.

I'm so lucky to have great insurance ($1500 max out of pocket for the year is fantastic), but I still wound up with 3 different bills, with no explanation why, and no warning that I could still get billed 6 months later.

We are lucky in that we can cover the $700 without giving anything up but a little less savings this month - but what about people who can't?  I couldn't help but feel for the people who get this bill and have no idea how they are going to cover it.  Like this whole process and the procedure didn't suck enough.

Is an estimate and one timely bill too much to ask for?

Apparently.