An amazing cause

http://www.throughtheheart.org/

This nonprofit organization was started by a couple after losing their daughter at 20 weeks into the pregnancy.  In their grief, they felt alone, and rather than just leaving it at that, they decided to help others.

I am so in awe of what they have done.  You can read more about their story and the cause on the link above.  You can also donate there, or you can purchase actual items for the care packages they deliver to those suffering from a pregnancy loss here:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/2UCHHZUPUY3TG?ref_=topnav_lists_1&pldnSite=1

And finally, if all you can do is spare 30 seconds, please help them to win:

wtop.com/contests/click-for-a-cause-voting/?char=t

Scroll down until you see Through the Heart, and simply click "Like".  It's as easy as that folks!

As someone who has been through a loss can tell you - simple things like socks and candy may seem silly,but knowing there are people out there who understand what you're going through, and cared enough to send you something means more than we can express.

Today was my due date

I don't really have a whole lot to say about this.  I quietly acknowledged my lost one to myself earlier this morning, and I thought I would do so on here.

She would have been so incredibly loved.

The Little Blog that Could

In case you missed it, a couple months ago I wrote a post based on the the theme of this year's National Infertility Awareness Week:

You Are Not Alone

Today I received a call from RESOLVE, The National Infertility Association.  I have written about this amazing organization before, but in case you missed that too, check it out:

RESOLVE

Of course I missed the call because I'm completely unreliable when answering my phone, so when I listened to the voicemail, I thought it must be some kind of joke.  But I listened two more times, and then I read the email that was also sent, and sure enough - my simple little blog has been nominated for the 2015 Hope Award for Best Blog.

I keep asking my husband what it's like to be married to an award nominated blog writer.  He's starting to look more annoyed than impressed.

In all seriousness, I can't put into words how honored I feel.

Of course I am proud from a very selfish standpoint (don't we all still have the 6 year old in us that wants the gold star?), but my view of this is a bit broader.

Let's face it - there's nothing fancy about my blog.  No frills, no bells.  I don't have thousands of followers, or even hundreds.  Quite frankly, I'm lucky if I get more than a dozen readers of any given post, and about 11 of those readers are my closest friends.   I have spent exactly $0 on this blog, and I honestly really have no idea what I am doing (please don't tell RESOLVE that).

But what I do know (all too well) is the heartache of infertility and loss.  And what I've invested here is every bit of myself - my sadness, my frustration, and if you look closely enough, my hope and my strength.

I started this blog during a particularly dark time, and by getting my thoughts out of my head and into cyberspace, it has brought me some measure of peace.  But since then, I have striven for more.  I've tried to be a voice for issues that often receive only a hushed whisper.  I have tried to be this voice both on my blog and in my life.

To me, that's the key: to lend another voice.  I may not be the loudest, or the fanciest.  I may only be reaching a number of people I can count on my fingers and toes, but it's a voice nonetheless.  And if all I ever do is offer some form of comfort or understanding to that one person who isn't just reading because they know me, then I have accomplished something.

Today, RESOLVE affirmed that every voice counts in bringing awareness to infertility and loss , no matter how small.


With that, I present to you:

Shazam!  My blog actually just got a little fancy.

Also, please please (please) vote for me here:

Shamelessly Asking for Votes

Let's talk about pregnancy loss

I want to share this article, because it so loudly speaks to my experience that I feel like I could have written it myself:

Sharing About Pregnancy Lost

We too tried for 14 months, and we too shrugged off the people who cautioned us not to tell anyone too early.  But we had waited so long, we couldn't help but shout it from the rooftops.

When we got the news that there was no heartbeat, there were so many emails, texts, and phone calls to be made.  It was not easy.

But in the long run, I am glad that we did.  I'd like to think we gave a voice to something that many other people may not be willing to share.  I knew my mother and my best friend had suffered a loss, but by sharing our happy (and then sad) news with so many, I heard from several others.  A neighbor, a friend's sister, my sister in law's friend - the list goes on and on.  All women who had been through the same.  Despite several of these people being complete strangers, they reached out to me with arms wide open, and shared their experiences with me.  It was also encouraging to hear that all of them who continued to try went on to have healthy babies (including me - I was my mom's first successful pregnancy after a devastating 5 month loss).

Recently, a neighbor and friend had reached out to me because a friend of hers that I had met a few times had just suffered a loss.  I felt an enormous amount of responsibility (and desire) to reach out to her and try to provide to her what so many others did for me.  I remembered how painful those first few days and weeks were, and my heart went out to her.  I told her I was sorry she now knows that pain, and I couldn't have meant it any harder.

As you may have seen, Mark and Priscilla Zuckerberg have recently announced they are expecting, along with an announcement of 3 lost before.  Pink has also alluded to her struggles with infertility and loss, and she even wrote a song about it.  If you have never heard it, give it a listen here:

Beam Me Up

I hope we continue towards a culture of being more open about this issue, as it impacts so many men and women.  I also hope to lend another voice to it one day, much in the same way the Zuckerberg's have (albeit with a little less fame).

$1500 to not have a baby

I got a big fat bill from the hospital yesterday for my D&C.  My D&C that was on January 15th.  Six months ago.  $700 for the privilege to be reminded of the shittiest shit that ever happened to me.

I spent an obscene amount of time today figuring out why I was being billed again, since I have already paid about $500 for this same procedure, which covered 2 separate bills sent over the course of the past 6 months.  Turns out, they were separate bills for anesthesiology, hospital, and doctor.  And to make it all that much more complicated, neither me nor 3 people I spoke to could figure out why the doctor charge wasn't on file.  It wasn't until later that I realized one bill came from Cooper Institute (the RE I go to, and where the doctor who did my surgery is based) and one came from Cooper Hospital (where I had the surgery).  Total coincidence on the names.  I also had a completely separate bill for $300 for the additional surgery to remove the leftover tissue and fibroid.

I verified that they were billing me exactly to my yearly out of pocket maximum, so it's right, and I wound up paying it of course.  It just really left me with a bad taste in my mouth, for a few reasons.  Mainly, because I realized that I have now paid $1500 to NOT have a baby.

I'm so lucky to have great insurance ($1500 max out of pocket for the year is fantastic), but I still wound up with 3 different bills, with no explanation why, and no warning that I could still get billed 6 months later.

We are lucky in that we can cover the $700 without giving anything up but a little less savings this month - but what about people who can't?  I couldn't help but feel for the people who get this bill and have no idea how they are going to cover it.  Like this whole process and the procedure didn't suck enough.

Is an estimate and one timely bill too much to ask for?

Apparently.

Finding happiness on the river

I don't know how I ever made it through March.

It was shortly after our loss, the winter weather was wearing on me, and my husband was stuck working every day.  I often woke up on Saturday and Sunday without him there, wondering why in the world I should even get out of bed.

But out of bed I went, and now that I look back and can clearly see the shit storm of depression I was in, I'm kind of proud of that.

I tried to find reasons to get out of bed.  One of these reasons was to get to a local Amish market by us.  I always knew it was there, but it was just habit and ease that always led me to the supermarket instead.  The first time I went to the market, I remember grinning as I walked around buying baked goods and roasted chickens.  I was surrounded by people, wonderful smells, and all kinds of fresh delicious food.

To this day, going to that market makes me happy.

Shortly after surviving that awful month, I sat down and made a list of things to do in the summer.  The idea was to look ahead - to make sure we actually do stuff this summer, rather than just working on the house, or looking at one another on a nice Saturday wondering what the heck we could do.   The last thing I wanted was more time alone to wallow.  It has since been my mission to have something fun planned every and any weekend we possibly can, and so far, I am succeeding.

It has helped immensely.  I feel like I have purpose.  I have fun things to look forward to, and consequently, interesting things to actually talk to people about.  I had previously found myself having difficulty in social situations, because the only thing on my mind was loss.  I was at a serious loss for anything else to talk about.  I started not wanting to go anywhere, or to see anyone but my mom and my 2 closest friends.  I was withdrawing.  As you can imagine, this wasn't helping my situation.

So as part of our summer of doing stuff, we recently found ourselves with some good friends on a cocktail cruise.  At about 9pm, after a few drinks, my friend asked me if I wanted to row with her in the morning.  I've been meaning to give it a try for years, but never found the time or inclination.  This time, between my mission to try new things and the alcohol, the answer was a clear yes.

And so there I was, 12 hours later, in a boat, trying to keep up with 3 experienced rowers.  It was not pretty, but I loved it.  I mean, really, really loved it.  I drove home with the music blasting, and as I sang at the top of my lungs, I had a very sudden and undeniable thought:

I am happy. 

My next thought was that I hadn't felt happy in five months.  I had some laughs, some good times with friends, but this was the first time I felt joy.  And so back to the river the next day I went.  I joined a learn to row class.  I have plans to join the club, to take more lessons, and maybe even join a competition.  I'll probably come in last place, which would normally drive my super competitive self insane (OK, it probably still will a bit), but I know I'll drive home feeling accomplished, and with a new goal to do better next time.  

My arms and legs are sore.  I'm pretty sure I pulled my neck at one of the classes.  I have a permanent bruise in one spot on my leg (and I am honestly not sure why), and my hands are so blistered it's hard to hold the steering wheel.  

Yet here I am, looking at my schedule so I can figure out when I can row that beautiful river next.  

On to the next one

Despite my tiny fibroid companion, I am officially deemed healthy enough to try to conceive a child. This marks the first time I've been healthy enough to get pregnant since...well, since I was pregnant.

It's been a long, hard 2015 so far, but we're hopeful the second half will bring much happier days. I had been feeling emotionally stronger as the days and weeks went by, but I always had a feeling that reaching this point would help, and I was right.  I feel more like a happy couple trying to start a family than a sad couple grieving a loss.  There are still difficult moments and days, and I will be forever changed, but a sense of optimism has found it's way back into our lives.

We are currently still doing what is known as a "regular" cycle.  This basically means we're trying to have a kid the old fashioned way (more or less), rather than moving to IUI or IVF. Furthermore, I am fortunate to have regular cycles, with no reason to think ovulation is not occurring.  This is important to note because it means that I have it a lot easier than so many couples who are dealing with infertility.  I don't want to give any sense that my experience is either unique or the norm for infertility (or easy, for that matter).  The treatment varies wildly by a number of factors, including: diagnosis, where the couple is on their journey, financial constraints, religious beliefs, and the RE being seen.  Not to mention the couple's choices based on all of the above and more.  Believe it or not, we still do have some say in this process, and sometimes breaks are needed.

With that very long disclaimer in mind, I present to you: a cycle in the life of TTC:

CD1:  This typically is a really tough day.  It means the last cycle was a bust.  However, this time it marks a new beginning, so it's actually more bittersweet for me.  I call my RE's office to schedule the cycle's first ultrasound and bloodwork, which must occur on cycle day 2 or 3 (or 4, if you're like me and are sometimes trying to work around work travel).

CD 2:  This month I manage to get in on CD2.  I get my bloodwork done (never fun), and then the ultrasound (also never fun).  Although let me tell you - after everything I've been through the ultrasound and bloodwork are like a damn walk in the park.  While in the ultrasound room, I note the tech is writing a lot of stuff - way more than usual.  So I ask what is going on, and I am told my "ovaries are not empty".  When I ask what the heck that means, I am simply told, "The nurses will explain more when they call."

CUE PANIC MODE.

(Have I mentioned I figured out how to add pictures in here?  Be prepared for so.many.gifs.)

I had some wonky cycles before getting pregnant (including ovulating on CD5 once) and they never phased me *too* much.  But the thought of our first cycle after 5 months of waiting being a bust is enough to make me lose my mind.  So I call my husband, and then we both proceed to be in a bad mood for about 2 hours, waiting for the nurse to call.

When she does, she doesn't even mention the stuffed ovaries.  When I ask I get a breezy, "Oh yeah, you've got stuff in there leftover from the last cycle."  I feel like the nurse is not comprehending that the sky is falling.  But when I push a bit, she says not to worry.  I'm told come back in on CD8. 

CD8: Ultrasound and bloodwork today.  Well, those non-empty ovaries may have an explanation after all - I actually have an 18mm follicle at this point.  For those who don't know what that means, here's a quick lesson:

Follicles (within the ovaries) will grow during the cycle as the egg within it is maturing.  They will grow until reaching ovulation, at which point the egg is released. Follicles are typically 20-24mm at ovulation, and ovulation occurs at day 14.  

So the fact that I am rocking an already 18mm follicle on CD8 is unusual.  It probably means what was seen on CD2 was this follicle already growing.  It's times like these when I want to scream at my body.  I have no idea why this is happening and as someone who lives off of getting as much knowledge as I can about things, this is really frustrating.  I've been asked to come back in tomorrow.

CD9: Ultrasound and bloodwork today.  (Noticing a pattern here?)  That 18mm follicle is now 21mm. It grew 3mm in 24 hours.  Typically, they grow 1 to 2 mm a day.  It's like my follicle is on steroids.  The catch is my hormone levels are no where near what they need to be to ovulate, so that sucker is just going to keep on growing... 

CD11: Ultrasound and bloodwork today.  24mm!  And the good news is that now my hormone levels seem to be on board.  My estradiol is 246 and LH is 81.  LH is the hormone that surges about 48 hours before ovulation.  Everything is looking good finally!

Before our loss, I viewed this process as such a thorn in my side.  Getting to the RE and getting poked and prodded constantly just seemed like adding salt to the wound that was opened after not being successful conceiving on our own for a year.  But having to sit on the bench for 5 months has really shed a different light on the situation.  Just knowing that we have a shot this month, that I have a 20% chance of getting pregnant, is so incredibly exhilarating.  

I'm sure I'll feel different if we go more than 3 months or so of this, but in the meantime, I'm snatching the happy up and clinging tight.

CD14:  Ultrasound and bloodwork today.  The ultrasound showed I did indeed ovulate on either CD12 or CD13.  It would have been easier to pinpoint if I had been able to go in on CD13 like they wanted me too, but I was traveling for work.

So now the progesterone fun begins.  I use Crinone every morning, an additional 400mg suppository at night, plus Prometrium taken orally for good measure.  It's a lot of progesterone.  I wasn't always on so much, but it seems my own progesterone is quite low.  This hormone is what builds up the endometrium (or lining of the uterus), so without enough of it, my lining may not be the plush landing a fertilized egg needs.

I'm now in what we call the two week wait (2WW).  I'll go back in a week for another ultrasound and bloodwork, this time with an added shot of Lupron to help implantation.  Otherwise, it really is just a waiting game to see if everything we've done this cycle will lead to a pregnancy.  It's depressing to say, but mathematically speaking, chances are, it will not.

CD20:  Ultrasound and bloodwork today, with an added bonus: a Lupron shot to the stomach!

CD22:  Crazy has officially set in.  I would describe it myself but this blog already does a way more amazing job than I ever could:

https://quemilagro.wordpress.com/2015/03/02/pardon-me-while-i-burst-into-flames/

Below is a snippet from this post that summarizes how I am feeling:

The second week of the two week wait is spent on the edge of your seat. I have a cramp – is that my period or is it implantation? It’s probably my period. But it is the day that implantation is most likely to occur. Could I be pregnant right now? I wonder if I’m pregnant RIGHT NOW. My baby will probably have my eyes. If I’m pregnant right now what’s my due date? Should I pee on a stick right this minute? I probably should. But it’s still too early to get a positive, then I’ll just be disappointed. But I want to pee on a stick. At least then I won’t be so disappointed when my period comes. No, just wait. But that cramp… OK… If I implanted today, I could have a good shot at a positive pregnancy test by… Wednesday. Ok, Wednesday we pee on a stick. As long as I don’t have any PMS symptoms by then. But I’m having nothing but PMS symptoms… Ugh… Who the hell decided PMS and pregnancy symptoms should be the exact same?! What kind of cruel irony is that?!?! I want to speak to someone about this. Do you think I’m pregnant? There’s no way I’m pregnant.

CD25:  While tomorrow is the official blood test, I've already tried 2 at home tests, both of which turned negative so fast it was like they were taunting me.  It got to me a bit yesterday.  It's not so much the failure of the one month, because I know in the scheme of things it's just the first try, one little month, and chances were low it would happen - but, it cracked open the window for all the negative thoughts again.

Well, there goes my last chance of getting pregnant at 33.  

We're going to be older than I thought when this happens.

Are we going to be able to keep up with a kid?

What if this never happens?!

It's scary, and very frustrating.  We have NO IDEA why it didn't work.  Everything was timed perfectly, and I was monitored like crazy.  How could it not work?

I don't know, but it didn't.

CD26:  Blood taken for the pregnancy test. At this point my poor arm seems like it's rebelling because I couldn't get it to stop bleeding.  And now I wait for the answer that I already know is coming.  I'm going to let it go to voicemail.  Having to answer back to the nurse like a normal human being after she says it's negative is not really possible anymore, no matter how much I expect her words.

Finally got the call at noon - negative.

At this point I have had 7 blood draws, 7 internal ultrasounds, and a shot to the stomach.  I hope you can see the frustration, and why it's so incredibly upsetting when people tell me I just need to relax. If only it were that easy.

On to the next cycle we go, just as soon as it starts.

CD32:  I am still waiting.  So I got bonus blood work today!  Also, a fun little procedure to scrape progesterone out, because apparently my body hangs on to it.

This happened to me before, and the main problem is that the rest of my body ignorantly kept chugging along, and I ovulated on what appeared to be CD5, but was really CD10.  However, because of the mismatch between ovulation and period timing, that cycle was a bust because it would not have given my body enough time to build up a lining for pregnancy.

This unfortunately means the next cycle may already a bust, and it hasn't even officially arrived yet.

Pardon my language, but I am so.fucking.frustrated.  Really?  I get ONE cycle to try before something else goes wrong??

No more Crinone for me it seeems, so at least we hopefully have a way to prevent this from happening again in the future.  .